Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
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WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper “You’re an adult” every few minutes.
This sounds bad:
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”
See how stupid that sounds?
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YA!
*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn
Spanking, choking, and hair-pulling are old hat. If he’s not down to run me over with a bus, I’m not interested.
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder