I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
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friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I am HOWLING at this
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.