When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.

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Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car


WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper “You’re an adult” every few minutes.


If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?


[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.



*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn


Spanking, choking, and hair-pulling are old hat. If he’s not down to run me over with a bus, I’m not interested.


can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.


Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.


I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder