@Sassafrantz

When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.

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@spaceboyriley

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

@momopface

WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper “You’re an adult” every few minutes.

@SteveSackington

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

@DrakeGatsby

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

@Poutymcgee

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YA!

*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn

@insignificuntxX

Spanking, choking, and hair-pulling are old hat. If he’s not down to run me over with a bus, I’m not interested.

@ndiquote

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

@behindyourback

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

@LlamaInaTux

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder