King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
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*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My wife is yelling THROW HER THROW HER during Olympic ice dancing with the bloodlust of 80,000 Roman citizens watching gladiators battle to the death.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!