@weinerdog4life

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

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@HoldinCoffeeld

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

@LeBearGirdle

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

@GimmieTheHam

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

@SortaBad

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

@TheRealPalMal

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

@TheWinegasm

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

@six_2_and_even

My wife is yelling THROW HER THROW HER during Olympic ice dancing with the bloodlust of 80,000 Roman citizens watching gladiators battle to the death.

@MichaelTrying

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

@DaddyBeerGuy

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!