I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Comparing yourself to others
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig