@LeoKolade

When God sends confusion into the camp of your enemies

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@Jmboyd58

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

@TheToddWilliams

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

@Rollinintheseat

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

@KizerBillhelm

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

@PhriendlyCody

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

@Steelers1972

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

@better_off_dad

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

@jonnysun

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

@iwearaonesie

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

@JosesLovesYou

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer