@thebeavs

When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.

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@ComedicBust

Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.

@TheBoydP

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

@ddsmidt

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

@huntigula

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

@slyoung5

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

@UnFitz

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

@Daveastated

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*