@thebeavs

When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.

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@Dawn_M_

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

@Michael1979

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

@BigJDubz

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

@Donna_McCoy

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

@FunkyFresh_79

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

@benicus_rex

If you ask a police dog if he’s a good boy, legally he has to tell you.

@TurnpikeTony

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

@MissWont

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.