Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.
When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.
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[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
But that’s none of my business
It’s only an overdose if you’re dead.
Sometimes 4chan can be a beautiful place.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*