When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.
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If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Wife – remember to compliment the host
Me – your wife is hot
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
If you ask a police dog if he’s a good boy, legally he has to tell you.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.