@thebeavs
When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.
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@Dawn_M_
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
@Michael1979
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
@kiel_phillips
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
@BigJDubz
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
@Donna_McCoy
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
@FunkyFresh_79
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
@benicus_rex
If you ask a police dog if he’s a good boy, legally he has to tell you.
@TurnpikeTony
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
@MissWont
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.