@ComedicBust
Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.
@thebeavs
When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.
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@ComedicBust
@TheBoydP
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
@ddsmidt
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
@ThingsIGrewUpOn
But that’s none of my business
@ScrambledMceggs
It’s only an overdose if you’re dead.
@UltimaShadowX
Sometimes 4chan can be a beautiful place.
@huntigula
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
@slyoung5
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
@UnFitz
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
@Daveastated
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*