In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
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Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
umm…
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
So glad we cleared that up
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know