When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I wish I were this cool 😂
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
welp
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.