…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
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Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
apparently this year was written by stephen king
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
need him
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*