[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Peace was never an option
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
But is it really??
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…