@daddydoubts

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

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@BevisSimpson

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

@_Enanem_

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

@CauseWereGuys

I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

@Rollmaninoz

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

@thenatewolf

*a man runs into the bar*

“HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?”

*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*

@Quartzjixler

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.