Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
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I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”
“You have 999 new matches”
Just when you think parenting can’t be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can’t get a squirrel to hug him.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
The guy behind me at the grocery store only had energy drinks, root beer & gummie lifesavers, so I asked how far into assassins creed he was
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”
Me: “I also come from a woman”