When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
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Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Not today, today.
Not today.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.