I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
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My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.