Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
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[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Sorry I made promises on Friday
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk