I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
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*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Spice things up in a first date by wearing a parachute and refusing to talk about it
Forever tricking animals into thinking I’m patting them when really I’m just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore