CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
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[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
When I said I liked it rough.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.