That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[bono dressed as magician]
“think of a song any song”
“right n- no, a U2 song”
oh ok um.. elevation?
“ok now.. check your phone”
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.