When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

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That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s


hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad


COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.


[bono dressed as magician]
“think of a song any song”
purple haze
“right n- no, a U2 song”
oh ok um.. elevation?
“ok now.. check your phone”


Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.


Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*


My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.


Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.



When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.