When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that