When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
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[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.