Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.we haven’t met yet.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
You Might Also Like
“How could you?”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[country music plays in elevator]
ME: I hate Toby Keith
HIM: This isn’t Toby Keith
ME:(leans into his face) I don’t give a shit who this is
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.