When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.


The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.


Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less


Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.


Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”


If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.


12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.


*Dies and goes toward the light*

Light: “I have a boyfriend”


Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings