If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
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The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
*Dies and goes toward the light*
Light: “I have a boyfriend”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings