Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
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1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.