When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

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When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.


“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.


Horse detective stood in the rain and looked out to sea. He thought about justice and fate. He thought about her. He thought about apples.


Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.


Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb


Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.


Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

Judged you.


I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said “No!”. For one thing, we don’t have any kids…


I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key