@JPHaddadio

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

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@SteveKoehler22

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

@HatfieldAnne

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

@horsedetective

Horse detective stood in the rain and looked out to sea. He thought about justice and fate. He thought about her. He thought about apples.

@NintenDom

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.

@momjeansplease

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

@JonMHamm

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

@errdayhustlah

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

@Laddy42

I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said “No!”. For one thing, we don’t have any kids…

@kfoagkfoag

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key