it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
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There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I really had high hopes for this year though
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
😩😩😩
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?