When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
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My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Breaking news:
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?