When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
#damn
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.