@MeetingBoy

When I asked for screenshots, I meant using the PRT SCR button, not shaky pictures of the screen with your phone, you idiot.

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@Monicann86

I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it

@nayele18

Can’t afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.

@1evilidiot

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

@LackOfShame

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

@tristandross

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

@david8hughes

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

@Trudacious

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

@good_one_rick

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.