dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
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Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.