@MeetingBoy

When I asked for screenshots, I meant using the PRT SCR button, not shaky pictures of the screen with your phone, you idiot.

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@markleggett

Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You’re the Microsoft Word Paperclip.

@TweetPotato314

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

@gruffybeard

Me: *walking through office with a big smile on my face*

Coworker: Wow, you sure do have a lot of pep in your step today! You get lucky last night?

[Flashback to that morning when I found 3 Doritos in my robe pocket getting out of shower]

Me: Yes.

@Pmerrily

Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.

@pixelatedboat

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

@racheleklein

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

@RatchetAfrican

If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.

@JasonLastname

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

@BuckyIsotope

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU