When I asked for screenshots, I meant using the PRT SCR button, not shaky pictures of the screen with your phone, you idiot.

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I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it


Can’t afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.


I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.


While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.


if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him


[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”


It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.


Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.


Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.