When I asked for screenshots, I meant using the PRT SCR button, not shaky pictures of the screen with your phone, you idiot.

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Congratulations on being the kind of person who corrects the grammar of others, unsolicited. You’re the Microsoft Word Paperclip.


mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that


Me: *walking through office with a big smile on my face*

Coworker: Wow, you sure do have a lot of pep in your step today! You get lucky last night?

[Flashback to that morning when I found 3 Doritos in my robe pocket getting out of shower]

Me: Yes.


Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.


11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken


My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.


If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.


How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?


THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”