@KingRainhead

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

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@Angibangie

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

@CloydRivers

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

@BeCoco77

I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person

@garrettbarry70

If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.

@LostFelicia

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

@BradBroaddus

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

@rolldiggity

I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she’s all, “Just diet and exercise, guys!”

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?

VANILLA ICE: I’ve been known to steal under pressure

@DepecheALAmode

I bet Matt McConaughey isnt aware he’s in movies. His agent drops him off & hes like “Ha-Allright..this is my life now? Cool camera broski!”