Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
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We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person
If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Seems kinda suspicious
I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she’s all, “Just diet and exercise, guys!”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?
VANILLA ICE: I’ve been known to steal under pressure
I bet Matt McConaughey isnt aware he’s in movies. His agent drops him off & hes like “Ha-Allright..this is my life now? Cool camera broski!”