When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
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5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel