When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
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Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Bros before Ohioes
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
So true for me
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.