@Gupton68

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

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@themicheniche

It only took me 40 some years to find the perfect skincare, haircare, and fragrance lines for myself so I’m not exactly optimistic that I’ll ever have any luck finding a man

@Cpin42

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

@LionJenkins

I measure my kids’ ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.

@NotMoscona

Age 17: sneak out of the house to go to a party

Age 37: sneak out of a party to go home

@GrowlyGrego

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

@clichedout

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

@whinecheezits

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG