When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
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It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
#oldknees
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.