juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
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“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.