first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
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It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
TODAY
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together