When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
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Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife