@peteholmes

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

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@paulrobalino

Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right

@JediGigi

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

@Gupton68

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

@Shenaniglenns

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

@iwearaonesie

wife: Alright, who loaded the dishwasher?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

@DaddyJew

When a cop eats bacon is it considered cannibalism?

@FuckabillyRex

I just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and I think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves.

@PaperWash

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

@adamgreattweet

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*