@peteholmes

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

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@iwearaonesie

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

@pakalupapito

lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were

@dubiousgenius

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

@dhumann

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

@discountzen

I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old. Her parents are very upset. As are the police.

@david8hughes

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

@Dear_Booze

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

@iGreenGod

Just heard that flies spread disease.

I always keep mine zipped.