Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
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Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
wife: Alright, who loaded the dishwasher?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
When a cop eats bacon is it considered cannibalism?
I just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and I think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*