*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
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lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old. Her parents are very upset. As are the police.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Just heard that flies spread disease.
I always keep mine zipped.
COP: pull over
ME: no it’s a cardigan