“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
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i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie