Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

Autocorrect completely socks