When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
You Might Also Like
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
2 years later
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now