Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

😭😭😭😭

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

Shoo shoo! 😂

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying