When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
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I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?