When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
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Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.