When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
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If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.