When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
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If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
what
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
The glockness monster
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
kevin is now a local weatherman
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”