When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
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Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
This raises questions
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here