I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
You Might Also Like
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
#titanic
Food gives you energy to nap more.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Feels like the fourth month in January
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops