When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
You Might Also Like
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.