When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
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5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE