Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.
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Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
I regularly have gold plaques and 1st place ribbons made up for my liver so it knows just how much I appreciate all it’s hard work.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
American Horror Story: