When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.

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Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving


Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.


I regularly have gold plaques and 1st place ribbons made up for my liver so it knows just how much I appreciate all it’s hard work.


My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.


The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.


“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”