When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.

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Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him


CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?


QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.


My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”


A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.


My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.


I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.


I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.


Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.