Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him
When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.
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ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
ME: well said, kitty, well said
FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.