when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

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Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”


I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about stupid when they told you, “If you got it flaunt it.”


[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*


My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.


House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don’t.


Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.


I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.


WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why


*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*