When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
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My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus