@Midgetgems26

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

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@boring_as_heck

The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”

@catstronomical

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

@TheTweetOfGod

Every time you sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” I’m reminded how much I disapprove of My son’s friends.

@MelvinofYork

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

@TheTimmyToes

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

@_salt_n_lime

My Twitter password is stronger than my bank password in case you wonder where my priorities lie.

@AmishPornStar1

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

@thatdutchperson

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”