When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

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The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”


Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial


Every time you sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” I’m reminded how much I disapprove of My son’s friends.


What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision


I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me


My Twitter password is stronger than my bank password in case you wonder where my priorities lie.


Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?


*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”