The opposite of Iceland is water water
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
You Might Also Like
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.