I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
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Seize the day!
*Sees the day, goes back to bed*
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]