@Brampersandon_

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

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@causticbob

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

@TheAlexNevil

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

@SomthinBoutSara

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

@seethenare

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

@AimeeHelene1

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

@Dad_At_Law

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

@NicCageMatch

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

@DanMentos

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

@PhilJamesson

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]