@Brampersandon_

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

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@LittleMissAngr1

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

@edgarrants

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

@prufrockluvsong

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

@Darlainky

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

@RSF788

The best reply to “I love you” is “Well that’s a terrible idea.”

@AndrewChamings

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.