When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don’t cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.

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If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.


US customs officer during passport check at airport:
You were born in Beirut? Why the GER passport??
Me: No, it’s Bayreuth, see, the spelling is different!
Him: What’s the difference?
Me: My town is in GER, the other is in the Middle East.
Him: Sir! Are you from the Middle East??


[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?


Ironic… is having a coke machine reject your dollar bill for it being rolled up to many times.


I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken


“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.


I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.


[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted