I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
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My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.