When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
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I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
If only.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!