When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
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If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go