@meganamram

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

You Might Also Like

@chuuew

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

@jonnysun

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

@doguacate

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

@Brampersandon_

A new study finds that chicken isn’t as healthy for you as once thought. “Just don’t ask to see our data” clucked one feathered researcher.

@david8hughes

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

@mrjohndarby

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

@shesatornado

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

@TheBoydP

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

@mela_shea

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

@Home_Halfway

GOD: [inventing earth] Let there be light

ANGEL: K, coolcool

GOD: [inventing lightning] Let there be murdery light

ANGEL: Uh what now