When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

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The guy behind me at the grocery store only had energy drinks, root beer & gummie lifesavers, so I asked how far into assassins creed he was


[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]


Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy


Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.


Do you have a minute to talk about the lord?

Me: (doesn’t say a word, just dances the Macarena without breaking eye contact)


me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous


My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.


Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to


Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*


I’m not really a ‘walk of shame’ kind of girl. Im more of a ‘put it back in my nightstand drawer when I’m finished & roll over’ kind of girl