@Jmboyd58

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

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@myles_morrison

The guy behind me at the grocery store only had energy drinks, root beer & gummie lifesavers, so I asked how far into assassins creed he was

@catstronomical

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

@RealDMK

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

@RowdyBowden

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

@usermcuserface

(Knock)
Do you have a minute to talk about the lord?

Me: (doesn’t say a word, just dances the Macarena without breaking eye contact)

@MarfSalvador

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

@KateWhineHall

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

@WheelTod

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

@mdob11

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

@Book_Krazy

I’m not really a ‘walk of shame’ kind of girl. Im more of a ‘put it back in my nightstand drawer when I’m finished & roll over’ kind of girl