When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
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BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
THIS HEADLINE
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.